Tamtrums, drama and other frustrations...

 

"Only when we are brave enough t explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light"

-Brene Brown-

It has been a while since I have written a post... Nine months to be exact...   

I miss it! 

In all fairness, I need to confess to you, my readers; that more than a writer's block I really needed to find the courage and clarity to continue with this blog. I have been postponing it on purpose, by neglecting my passion for writing because I began to doubt myself; I believed I had very little to offer... I gave up writing because I fell hard for comparison and discouragement. I was so exhausted mentally and physically, that I could not help but keep asking myself: What could I possibly share with others about homeschooling, motherhood, family or faith? if in daily life I barely could keep it all together? 

I have been once again, overwhelmed, thrown from my horse, cornered, exhausted, frustrated and confused, to say the least. My self-esteem has been at an all-time low, so believe me when I tell you, the words I am typing are filled with deep emotion and driven by the hope of healing and liberation.

Lately, it feels I have failed in almost every aspect of my life: keeping up with my home, adjusting to my growing family, allowing myself to have time for me or my marriage, homeschool, duties, and chores... It hasn't been easy to adapt to our new chaotic life. Last school year was very crowded; between the hurricane, the birth of my baby, the recovery and the holidays, homeschool was left behind, we had way too many days off and the kids were growing less and less connected to the routine we once had. It was hard to take back the flow, or schedule of any kind: sleep, meals, school, chores... you name it! The pressure of multitasking and transitioning took a toll on me and subsequently on the kids. My mornings were already dragged from the night before with the baby; new dramas from my toddler and tension from the kids awaited as the day went by. Kids grew whiny, mom began to yell and cry, and cry some more... you get the picture. Everyone needed attention and direction. We were clueless on how to respond effectively but more importantly: graciously. 

We forgot how to respond, instead, we began to react! 


These months have been as hard as you can ever imagine... The drama, the tantrums, and the frustrations have poured heavily on all of us!

The tantrums, for example, began to emerge in my toddler. It wasn't easy for "lollipop" to feel pushed aside from being the center of attention; even though we strived to make her feel involved, she rapidly felt the change of tide in the dynamics of our family. Being 2 years old is hard as it is! She is still learning to communicate her needs, and her abilities take her only so far... so what does she do about it? She throws a tantrum! Toddlers have so much going on, they have a plan but is limited by their size and capability. Oh, my poor lollipop! I get her! her needs need to be met! she looks for guidance and reassurance, she needs my calm to sort things out. If I could only remember this when It happens... If I could only lead her... At times mommy also throws tantrums. Mommy also gets crushed by her limitations. I guess I can say from experience that tantrums are just the ineffective way to express how greatly overwhelmed you truly feel; is the cusp of exasperation! 

The drama instead, rises in the midst of the older ones. Is that constant reminder of discontent with all the adjustments we have made; is the roller coaster of emotions blown out of proportion. Any more, it seems that a minor issue always results in a mini-crisis. Sadly, complaining surely is becoming our primary language. I must confess is exhausting, emotionally exhausting to be the main problem-solving advocate. At times I am lost, literally out of solutions to their plights!

Agent 007 is the boy of the house, his wild and rambunctious games fill our days with fun for sure! But does not necessarily synchronize as harmoniously as I would imagine with his two older sisters... is hard to keep everyone at peace and uplift everyone's role. Girls are getting older and are searching for privacy, while my little man is charged with the most contagious enthusiasm and energy!  as you can imagine things just... clash, between them. Generally they get along great, but lately, they all have to push each other buttons and without warning... Boom! Drama is born! Miss Poppins and Popsicle unite their cry so mom can free them from their wild brother hahhaha 😄, they set their predicament with such a passion, (you cannot make this stuff up!) that details are unnecessary because they could be any little thing! yes, I  get called infinite times!  so I step in the middle of their issues already drained by my own. Once again, we all get dragged into this vicious cycle of reacting instead of responding... 

Ha! I thought I already learned how to help them regulate their emotions and communicate effectively, but the bottom line is that I personally do not know how to regulate my own emotions under pressure or communicate effectively. All seems good when everyone is doing well, is synchronized and cooperates; everything just flows then! but the truth is, that lately, we are all far from being synchronized. We feel being dragged by the many changes and circumstances. It is hard, you know? no one teaches you this kind of emotional intelligence, where instinctively you can turn things around with gratitude and contempt to channel all the attention seeking into empathy and connection.  Sometimes you don't need to confront problems right away or find solutions, sometimes all you need is to see things from above instead. Simply changing the perspective can bring just the right sense! So, here I may say, I share their common drama every time I feel the urge to complain or let my emotional pressure corner me to the edge of despair, blowing everything out of proportion and letting it turn into an unnecessary crisis. 

By now you may be wondering... What about those frustrations? Well, I can only tell you mine! For starters, I have to admit how much frustration it caused me to finish this post! You see? I am semi-new at blogging, not an expert at all, I have no strategy or agenda, I just want to write! But, the many interruptions, delays, and setbacks drained my goal to continue with this personal project.

I tell you... The story of my life never seems to align with my perfectly crafted plans! 

Nevertheless, this is precisely the main root of my constant frustrations. Yes! I had plenty of time to discover that! I struggle with life in this sense... surrendering to the now!

One thing you may need to know about me is how delusional I can be sometimes about planning and organizing... I am always aiming high on expectations... unrealistic expectations... and every time I fall short! no wonder! I skip the present, and busy my time with the rush of the future outcome, leaving all the details and process behind. Therefore frustration strikes whenever I resist surrendering to what the "now" will unfold, will bring, will teach ... It comes across as if I wanted to shield my failures and weaknesses by the planning and coverage of all the possible fronts... How exhausting don't you think?... maybe I just need a nap? hahaha seriously! I do... but, I guess what I am trying to say here, is that it is time for me, to let go of my version of well-being and stability. It is time, to simply let go my version of "me" and begin to embrace the beauty of the present, with all its shapes and forms, the beauty of my flaws and limitations and let life unfold and present itself as a learning experience. Maybe is time to let go of my pride and accept how fragile and weak I can be without shame or bitterness. I should turn to Him and finally surrender...  

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." I will all the more gladly boast in my weakness, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then I am content with weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities; for when I am weak, then I am strong

2 Corinthians, 12: 7-10

Not sure if any of you reading through, can relate at some level, and see what the root of all the tantrums, drama, and frustrations might reside in each one of us. Whatever our path, we share the spectrum of reactions and responses to what we go through and is precisely there where our power resides. Our time is much better spent when we decide to listen to understand instead of replying, to reflect and ask God to work on our hearts right in the middle of our conflict rather than trying to defy it while riding solely on our emotions.

I have so much to learn... and as I go on learning my way, I have to simultaneously show my little ones that sometimes we are a mess while others we will be the brooms, sometimes we will be in control and others we will be at our worst, but is OK! because we are only humans trying our way up, we are in this together: to grow, to forgive and to love unconditionally. 

So, the truth is that I have failed! but no, I am not a failure. I am only overwhelmed.
No, I am not a hypocrite because I want to write about motherhood, faith, and homeschool while falling apart, and trying to figuring it out. I am only being real. 
Do I have little to offer? maybe I do, maybe all I have is this broken vessel of my life, where light refuses to dim out and pushes through the cracks revealing a rare kind of beauty.

I am ready to embrace this new chapter of our lives, with a clear mind and open heart. I am ready to write as I go, I am learning to conquer together with my family the tantrums, drama, and frustrations by recovering peace while in conflict. I am realizing that doing my best differs according to my circumstances and I need my kids to know this exactly! because is all they really want to hear from me anytime and all the time: "I love you unconditionally".

Thank you, for reading and for following us from the very beginning. If you are just joining our journey, likewise! I hope this new chapter I am about to write and share with you will bring much more fruit and growth and can serve you in any possible way. 

The season of waiting...

Half way there! boy! it feels forever, but at the same time its going by so swiftly ...

Pregnancy is what we know as the season of waiting! is the season of preparation, to make room for your little gift that soon will fill your world with the most wonderful memories, but also for me is that season where everything seems upside down. For example, my first trimester is brutal! the morning sickness lasts about...well... lets see... the whole 9 months, and the anemia drops me so low,  that I feel I have no energy to do anything! and not to mention  my smell powers, that isolate me from the world! yes, this scenario my friends, seem to be the constant in every single of my pregnancies. Did I mentioned it before? this, will be my fifth? well now, I have so much to do and all those body changes and adjustments sort of slow me down and here is where my season of waiting starts to appear so long and tedious.

I know of many moms having a great time during their pregnancy, and they have what we call: the glow! you know? the glow? ahhh I wish I had that glow...  It takes me almost until the sixth month to be back in society hahaha, and that's where I am right now, so I am finally starting to see the light.  It isn't easy for me to slow down, I am very active and love to be outside doing fun things with the kids, plus the homeschool comes into play, so when pregnancy issues show up, I feel pulled back.

Recently I have been meditating on being busy in my last post here and also in dealing with discouragement here, but I found a beautiful truth in this season of waiting. Let me show you. As I feel overwhelmed by all those symptoms, I forget at times the marvelous miracle that is taking place in my body, the wonders of life have been granted generously by God to me and here I am deliberately getting lost only in the physical experience.

When I have to do "sofa rest" by doctor orders, I have the time to think and take care of me, and also the time to experience my baby. I can look closely to what is happening around with my older kids. I look at them in detail their faces, I  study their voices and hear in the background their interesting conversations developing. You see? I have been granted a season to freeze time and really enjoy the life around me and inside me.

Pregnancy brings so much that I seem to miss it, it brings me tenderness so I can  stop being strong for a while, It allows others to take over and practice charity by helping me and comforting me while simultaneously brings me humility to accept the help and surrender to my fragile state. It grants me from time to time vulnerability so I can accept me in the good and in the bad, when I am productive and when I am not. It offers me consciousness of healthy choices for me and the baby, such as diet, sleep and rest. Caring of me is a struggle to maintain, so this season slows the pace allowing me to see these things. At last it brings patience, to my anxious and rushed planning making lifestyle, pregnancy is unpredictable and that teaches you patience with yourself and time.

This time is a flashback, I now see how quickly time goes by when I realize how much my other kids have grown, and see it all in a wide view, I see how my season of waiting invites me to appreciate, life, health, love, moments, to enjoy every instant and this baby on the making as the greatest miracle! I am ready to welcome my baby, I am ready to take life as it comes, I keep waiting for more blessings, and as a picture shots "I am keeping all these things in my heart" like our Heavenly mother did, I will learn to say: Fiat "let it be done according to Your will"

One day at the time is how this season of waiting unfolds the most beautiful truths; pregnancy can be overwhelming, but above it all, is a call to witness life, love and sacrifice in its maximum expression. Don't feel afraid to discover your fears during pregnancy and your vulnerabilities, open to receive and to learn, all of this is a journey, meant to be lived, worth to be experienced!


To my kids:
Please just...
Never grow up!