Tamtrums, drama and other frustrations...

 

"Only when we are brave enough t explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light"

-Brene Brown-

It has been a while since I have written a post... Nine months to be exact...   

I miss it! 

In all fairness, I need to confess to you, my readers; that more than a writer's block I really needed to find the courage and clarity to continue with this blog. I have been postponing it on purpose, by neglecting my passion for writing because I began to doubt myself; I believed I had very little to offer... I gave up writing because I fell hard for comparison and discouragement. I was so exhausted mentally and physically, that I could not help but keep asking myself: What could I possibly share with others about homeschooling, motherhood, family or faith? if in daily life I barely could keep it all together? 

I have been once again, overwhelmed, thrown from my horse, cornered, exhausted, frustrated and confused, to say the least. My self-esteem has been at an all-time low, so believe me when I tell you, the words I am typing are filled with deep emotion and driven by the hope of healing and liberation.

Lately, it feels I have failed in almost every aspect of my life: keeping up with my home, adjusting to my growing family, allowing myself to have time for me or my marriage, homeschool, duties, and chores... It hasn't been easy to adapt to our new chaotic life. Last school year was very crowded; between the hurricane, the birth of my baby, the recovery and the holidays, homeschool was left behind, we had way too many days off and the kids were growing less and less connected to the routine we once had. It was hard to take back the flow, or schedule of any kind: sleep, meals, school, chores... you name it! The pressure of multitasking and transitioning took a toll on me and subsequently on the kids. My mornings were already dragged from the night before with the baby; new dramas from my toddler and tension from the kids awaited as the day went by. Kids grew whiny, mom began to yell and cry, and cry some more... you get the picture. Everyone needed attention and direction. We were clueless on how to respond effectively but more importantly: graciously. 

We forgot how to respond, instead, we began to react! 


These months have been as hard as you can ever imagine... The drama, the tantrums, and the frustrations have poured heavily on all of us!

The tantrums, for example, began to emerge in my toddler. It wasn't easy for "lollipop" to feel pushed aside from being the center of attention; even though we strived to make her feel involved, she rapidly felt the change of tide in the dynamics of our family. Being 2 years old is hard as it is! She is still learning to communicate her needs, and her abilities take her only so far... so what does she do about it? She throws a tantrum! Toddlers have so much going on, they have a plan but is limited by their size and capability. Oh, my poor lollipop! I get her! her needs need to be met! she looks for guidance and reassurance, she needs my calm to sort things out. If I could only remember this when It happens... If I could only lead her... At times mommy also throws tantrums. Mommy also gets crushed by her limitations. I guess I can say from experience that tantrums are just the ineffective way to express how greatly overwhelmed you truly feel; is the cusp of exasperation! 

The drama instead, rises in the midst of the older ones. Is that constant reminder of discontent with all the adjustments we have made; is the roller coaster of emotions blown out of proportion. Any more, it seems that a minor issue always results in a mini-crisis. Sadly, complaining surely is becoming our primary language. I must confess is exhausting, emotionally exhausting to be the main problem-solving advocate. At times I am lost, literally out of solutions to their plights!

Agent 007 is the boy of the house, his wild and rambunctious games fill our days with fun for sure! But does not necessarily synchronize as harmoniously as I would imagine with his two older sisters... is hard to keep everyone at peace and uplift everyone's role. Girls are getting older and are searching for privacy, while my little man is charged with the most contagious enthusiasm and energy!  as you can imagine things just... clash, between them. Generally they get along great, but lately, they all have to push each other buttons and without warning... Boom! Drama is born! Miss Poppins and Popsicle unite their cry so mom can free them from their wild brother hahhaha 😄, they set their predicament with such a passion, (you cannot make this stuff up!) that details are unnecessary because they could be any little thing! yes, I  get called infinite times!  so I step in the middle of their issues already drained by my own. Once again, we all get dragged into this vicious cycle of reacting instead of responding... 

Ha! I thought I already learned how to help them regulate their emotions and communicate effectively, but the bottom line is that I personally do not know how to regulate my own emotions under pressure or communicate effectively. All seems good when everyone is doing well, is synchronized and cooperates; everything just flows then! but the truth is, that lately, we are all far from being synchronized. We feel being dragged by the many changes and circumstances. It is hard, you know? no one teaches you this kind of emotional intelligence, where instinctively you can turn things around with gratitude and contempt to channel all the attention seeking into empathy and connection.  Sometimes you don't need to confront problems right away or find solutions, sometimes all you need is to see things from above instead. Simply changing the perspective can bring just the right sense! So, here I may say, I share their common drama every time I feel the urge to complain or let my emotional pressure corner me to the edge of despair, blowing everything out of proportion and letting it turn into an unnecessary crisis. 

By now you may be wondering... What about those frustrations? Well, I can only tell you mine! For starters, I have to admit how much frustration it caused me to finish this post! You see? I am semi-new at blogging, not an expert at all, I have no strategy or agenda, I just want to write! But, the many interruptions, delays, and setbacks drained my goal to continue with this personal project.

I tell you... The story of my life never seems to align with my perfectly crafted plans! 

Nevertheless, this is precisely the main root of my constant frustrations. Yes! I had plenty of time to discover that! I struggle with life in this sense... surrendering to the now!

One thing you may need to know about me is how delusional I can be sometimes about planning and organizing... I am always aiming high on expectations... unrealistic expectations... and every time I fall short! no wonder! I skip the present, and busy my time with the rush of the future outcome, leaving all the details and process behind. Therefore frustration strikes whenever I resist surrendering to what the "now" will unfold, will bring, will teach ... It comes across as if I wanted to shield my failures and weaknesses by the planning and coverage of all the possible fronts... How exhausting don't you think?... maybe I just need a nap? hahaha seriously! I do... but, I guess what I am trying to say here, is that it is time for me, to let go of my version of well-being and stability. It is time, to simply let go my version of "me" and begin to embrace the beauty of the present, with all its shapes and forms, the beauty of my flaws and limitations and let life unfold and present itself as a learning experience. Maybe is time to let go of my pride and accept how fragile and weak I can be without shame or bitterness. I should turn to Him and finally surrender...  

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." I will all the more gladly boast in my weakness, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then I am content with weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities; for when I am weak, then I am strong

2 Corinthians, 12: 7-10

Not sure if any of you reading through, can relate at some level, and see what the root of all the tantrums, drama, and frustrations might reside in each one of us. Whatever our path, we share the spectrum of reactions and responses to what we go through and is precisely there where our power resides. Our time is much better spent when we decide to listen to understand instead of replying, to reflect and ask God to work on our hearts right in the middle of our conflict rather than trying to defy it while riding solely on our emotions.

I have so much to learn... and as I go on learning my way, I have to simultaneously show my little ones that sometimes we are a mess while others we will be the brooms, sometimes we will be in control and others we will be at our worst, but is OK! because we are only humans trying our way up, we are in this together: to grow, to forgive and to love unconditionally. 

So, the truth is that I have failed! but no, I am not a failure. I am only overwhelmed.
No, I am not a hypocrite because I want to write about motherhood, faith, and homeschool while falling apart, and trying to figuring it out. I am only being real. 
Do I have little to offer? maybe I do, maybe all I have is this broken vessel of my life, where light refuses to dim out and pushes through the cracks revealing a rare kind of beauty.

I am ready to embrace this new chapter of our lives, with a clear mind and open heart. I am ready to write as I go, I am learning to conquer together with my family the tantrums, drama, and frustrations by recovering peace while in conflict. I am realizing that doing my best differs according to my circumstances and I need my kids to know this exactly! because is all they really want to hear from me anytime and all the time: "I love you unconditionally".

Thank you, for reading and for following us from the very beginning. If you are just joining our journey, likewise! I hope this new chapter I am about to write and share with you will bring much more fruit and growth and can serve you in any possible way. 

catch me if you can!

Here goes another post about motherhood... Or... maybe not?  well... I wanted to start writing about homeschooling and homemaking but right now, recovery is very important, so all my material and meditations have been concentrated mostly in motherhood and why not... me!

This couple of weeks have been very challenging for me, not just because I am trying to heal while I juggle between my new routine with the baby, the toddler and my homeschool children, but because I cannot seem to find time to just be! 

Life as a mother feels at times if not always as an episode of a script out of "catch me if you can" series! so much going on, so many to serve, so little time, so much to do! But, where on that list says "me"? I feel like I am catching up with everyone but ... will I ever catch "me"? Will I ever find "me" in the midst? It seems that I am always in "mother" mode, so...  Does this means then, that being a "mother" replaces my "self" identity?  Am I one or the other? Both? Neither? Do I care and nurture one more than the other? Is there a middle? hmm... let's pause and talk about this for a minute. Shall we?

Once upon a time when we were younger, we knew who we were, what we liked, what made us happy, where we were heading, we had it figure it out; we even knew motherhood was where life was calling us to go, but just when we had those babies, all our plans went undone, Yes! Beautifully undone! We left our expectations and projects behind and enrolled full time in that long life lesson of being a "mother". We have learned thanks to motherhood to serve others more than ourselves, which is great! but suddenly, we began to feel burnt, exhausted, almost desolated and confused. Then, what seems to be the problem? What could be so dysfunctional, that is draining the joy of just being "me"? Maybe ...  (I am just thinking out loud here) we have immersed in our kid's lives so much ... that we forgot to tend our own. Yes! it is possible, it happens! We do this! at times, we think way too much about them to the point of leaving us behind. 

I am not only speaking here for myself, I have been thinking about this subject lately, after reading many posts online of mothers struggling to get time for themselves, moms needing a break, moms exhausted in their journey, that are running low in self-esteem, and forgot to be happy, forgot who they were or what made them special and unique, many of them have lost ability in the skills once they were passioned it about. They got caught in disciplining the children, in classes and rehearsals, in competing and cheering in rushing to care, console and heal, they got tangled in the stress of it all, in worry and routine, and now... they wish upon a breath.

Here, It does not really matter how many kids you have or if you stay home or not, we are all givers and we love our children, but we are overcommitted and we are taking too much control of things forgetting that our kids also need to be left to earn the benefits and experiences of life, and sadly we are paying the price of that devotion, sometimes with our very health (physical and mental) and self-worth, if we do not learn to balance those two identities: "mother" and "self". 

Learning to identify who we are after experiencing motherhood is essential to seek balance, many things you are as a mother not necessarily align with who you are or are capable of doing, so, "Who am I?" is the most important question we have to ask ourselves in order to put together this gap in motherhood, this void of identity we sometimes go through. To begin, this question intends by no means a war between motherhood and "self" but rather a wider view where "self" can see motherhood as a fulfillment where to grow and love. In this light, I can say that first I am an individual, a woman whose path was to walk in the shoes of motherhood to enrich who she is! You see? eventually, kids will leave the home and we will be again on our own trying to cope with who we were at the very beginning, and if we don't catch up on who we are... then... we will crash! we will roll down the deep. Therefore, to acknowledge our gifts, our flaws, and strengths, our dreams and aspirations,  as well as tending to our physical and spiritual  needs is a way to catch up on "self"  and a very solid base from where we can fly confident and offer others all that we have to share so generously.

Since we cannot offer anything out of an empty vessel and we cannot bloom if we are dry, we have to fill our "self" vessel often in order to nurture others. We have to first take care of our own healing, our own happiness. Caring for "self" is a serious responsibility and a priority as well as caring for the wellbeing of our families. 

Many feel guilty about this and think of it as selfishness, caprice, and even vanity; but I am not suggesting here the embellishing of one and the neglecting of the other, what I am suggesting is that both, "self" and "mother" need to be replenished in their own particular way, but at times we are deliberately  and almost dangerously neglecting ourselves to strive in motherhood. Now the question is this: Is it worth it? Is it working? Clearly no. Our kids are getting at times the leftovers if not the worst of us. Our kids naturally mirror from us the basic skills of self-love and self-esteem, so for the sake of both, let's take a deeper look at how balanced our lives are at this pretty moment. 

Having the chance to reflect on this subject a little deeper has given me room to explore healthy and loving alternatives to catch up on "me"...  if you can! 😊so, I will continue this subject in a related post, where I will share a set of practices I have implemented in my life to redeem myself in times of dysfunction and neglect, because what better gift can you give your loved ones, than a happy and healthy you? nothing! 

Nevertheless, bloom for the sake of blooming. grow for the sake of living your own set of gifts. Start loving "you" to better love others, start forgiving "you", so you can forgive others; mainly, free yourself to be who you are, and never ever feel guilty or tired of doing so,  because God gave you life so you can live it to plenitude!

I really hope many of you have found this reflection interesting because there are so many of us mothers unconsciously yearning for balance and searching for some kind of validation! 

Thanks for reading! make sure to follow up my upcoming post...

The season of waiting...

Half way there! boy! it feels forever, but at the same time its going by so swiftly ...

Pregnancy is what we know as the season of waiting! is the season of preparation, to make room for your little gift that soon will fill your world with the most wonderful memories, but also for me is that season where everything seems upside down. For example, my first trimester is brutal! the morning sickness lasts about...well... lets see... the whole 9 months, and the anemia drops me so low,  that I feel I have no energy to do anything! and not to mention  my smell powers, that isolate me from the world! yes, this scenario my friends, seem to be the constant in every single of my pregnancies. Did I mentioned it before? this, will be my fifth? well now, I have so much to do and all those body changes and adjustments sort of slow me down and here is where my season of waiting starts to appear so long and tedious.

I know of many moms having a great time during their pregnancy, and they have what we call: the glow! you know? the glow? ahhh I wish I had that glow...  It takes me almost until the sixth month to be back in society hahaha, and that's where I am right now, so I am finally starting to see the light.  It isn't easy for me to slow down, I am very active and love to be outside doing fun things with the kids, plus the homeschool comes into play, so when pregnancy issues show up, I feel pulled back.

Recently I have been meditating on being busy in my last post here and also in dealing with discouragement here, but I found a beautiful truth in this season of waiting. Let me show you. As I feel overwhelmed by all those symptoms, I forget at times the marvelous miracle that is taking place in my body, the wonders of life have been granted generously by God to me and here I am deliberately getting lost only in the physical experience.

When I have to do "sofa rest" by doctor orders, I have the time to think and take care of me, and also the time to experience my baby. I can look closely to what is happening around with my older kids. I look at them in detail their faces, I  study their voices and hear in the background their interesting conversations developing. You see? I have been granted a season to freeze time and really enjoy the life around me and inside me.

Pregnancy brings so much that I seem to miss it, it brings me tenderness so I can  stop being strong for a while, It allows others to take over and practice charity by helping me and comforting me while simultaneously brings me humility to accept the help and surrender to my fragile state. It grants me from time to time vulnerability so I can accept me in the good and in the bad, when I am productive and when I am not. It offers me consciousness of healthy choices for me and the baby, such as diet, sleep and rest. Caring of me is a struggle to maintain, so this season slows the pace allowing me to see these things. At last it brings patience, to my anxious and rushed planning making lifestyle, pregnancy is unpredictable and that teaches you patience with yourself and time.

This time is a flashback, I now see how quickly time goes by when I realize how much my other kids have grown, and see it all in a wide view, I see how my season of waiting invites me to appreciate, life, health, love, moments, to enjoy every instant and this baby on the making as the greatest miracle! I am ready to welcome my baby, I am ready to take life as it comes, I keep waiting for more blessings, and as a picture shots "I am keeping all these things in my heart" like our Heavenly mother did, I will learn to say: Fiat "let it be done according to Your will"

One day at the time is how this season of waiting unfolds the most beautiful truths; pregnancy can be overwhelming, but above it all, is a call to witness life, love and sacrifice in its maximum expression. Don't feel afraid to discover your fears during pregnancy and your vulnerabilities, open to receive and to learn, all of this is a journey, meant to be lived, worth to be experienced!


To my kids:
Please just...
Never grow up!

Craving solitude in the midst of "busy"

Busy, busy, busy! That's how our times are outlined anymore. Aren't they? We have become an energetic, driven, fast paced generation that have found its worth in productivity and level of success. We basically are making "busyness" the newest idol and we are placing it in the highest altars of our priorities; but the question remains... Is it bearing fruit? Is it achieving our longing pursuit of happiness? Is it really worth it?
Or is it instead interfering with our families, self-esteem and spirituality?...

When I arrived to the US, and began my life away from my home and family I gained an unbelievable freedom to achieve anything life wanted to offer. I worked and pushed my self to learn the language, I studied and worked some more. It was my time to build and I didn't hesitate. I came to learn from Americans the drive and tenacity I always admired. Multitasking became my new nature, "busy" was now my new partner at play,  and my youth was my biggest asset to achieve it. It was just exhilarating to enter the fast lane, its was attractive! 

Our society is wide in offering a vast variety of choices in how to keep you productive so you will fit the frame of "accomplished". From work overtime to second and third job one can be considered thriving; but not to worry any free time in between is also under the care of this "thoughtful society". Here, you are offered hobbies and numerous activities to keep you up until exhaustion. You say yes! To every possible event, it is almost the hardest thing to say no anymore, you have to be everywhere and cannot miss it, there is only the "now" what matters. Don't take me wrong working hard is good, is a  quality one needs to build character and finding new  interests is healthy; but my main concern here is how it slowly invades all your time to the point to feel uneasy if you are simply unoccupied. It is that void you feel after work, after you are done with an activity and you end up saying... Now what? Is that need to fill that void busyness leaves you with. The thrill is over now what do I do with myself?

Apparently being exhausted is not the end of the rope, we seem to push for activities that  take us away from silence or... is it from ourselves?... Noise, and overload of images have taking over our restless minds and hearts. But could this restlessness be a sign that we deeply crave solitude? maybe we just don't know how to make it fruitful? We have lost the ability to rest, meditate and ponder.

I came upon this very subject not too long ago. My life at times feels "busy", I feel exhausted, I long for peace, I am getting tired of rushing.  But wait? rushing what? I am not longer in the world competing and proving myself I am at home with my loved ones, what am I rushing then?  life? kids? my home? Is it not home where you should find rest? then why I am allowing "busy" to poison the very heart of my happiness? Why I am exposing my kids unnecessarily to the tyranny of productivity?

Let me elaborate: Doing things can make you feel accomplished but overdoing things can burn your spirit in any area of your life. Exhaustion either buries you or allows you to see the right perspective. This time of exhaustion in my life gave me the right view of what is important, happiness and peace. All the works mean nothing if you feel burnt inside, neither homeschooling or  parenting can bear fruit under pressure. I have to learn to let life unfold on its own pace and present itself at its right time, I have to learn  to put my priorities in order.

Things such as, time to pray or just to think, can be an impossible space to accommodate. It is important, if not essential to allow time to just be, to enjoy, and ponder, it is important to regain silence. How can one hear God or think of God in the midst of chaos? introspective and time to yourself are more productive than any other activity, it bears real fruit, it secures ones soul, ones purpose. 

What happened to leisure? to stillness? to the peaceful moments of past generations? weren't they much fruitful? weren't they deeper, serene, paced and pleasant? I crave that! I guess at times specially in chaos, I crave solitude, I crave depth.   Solitude in motherhood is  essential  to find oneself again, to gain ground in the spirit, so one can offer the children what it is now attained. 

Busy homes are sign of life, but to enrich that life it is necessary to open space for reflection;  kids need it, so their souls can be open to receive and perceive. For that and more, I am encouraged to continue my search for balance, my search for authenticity, to reinvent myself to simplicity. I will stop wanting to be busy to fill the void, I will stop placing "busy" in the highest of my priorities, I will find my worth in "being" instead of "doing", I will learn to say "no" more often and find spaces of tranquility, I will give my soul a breath to release what is toxic, I will be open to solitude to give my soul a rest!

Reaching new heights!

"Love has protected me against worldliness: coteries, ambitions, advancements, interferences, alliances, secessions, roles, powers: love has made me into a social catastrophe to my delight"

Roland Barthes, A lover's discourse

Love... such a short word for all that entitles...

I strongly believe now that I became a mother, that the definition of love is a verb-action rather than a noun or feeling. When you become a mother you stop living for yourself, you realize swiftly how their fragile lives have been entrusted to you and YOU alone, therefore there is not room for the selfish trace of vanity or pride, only love gives you the push to expand your heart, to face your fears and conquer it all.

This motherhood journey of mine has transformed every space in my heart. I never really thought of a family as a goal, but it was giving to me as if my soul craved it insistently. I saw myself as and independent, assured, "successful" *cough* -will elaborate this farther on- woman, traveling abroad and achieving, many recognitions for changing the world one random act of kindness at the time. Ha! boy! was I far from it! ambitious little thing I am, not one but everything I wanted; maybe I needed to be taught a loving lesson...

Here, the good God in His infinite wisdom came as the Father and Teacher that He is, and took care of the narrow vision I had of myself and had fed over all these years. I thought I was a very kind and patient person, I called myself generous and  humble. Then... my "gift" arrived, my children! one by one they came and transformed me for good.

When my first daughter came, I was gifted with so much strength to thrive in life that I became empowered to achieve all those goals I once envisioned, but here is when the first twist came about, I no longer wanted it for me alone I wanted it for us, for her, she became the most valid reason. Then years went by and the weariness of motherhood began to fade the magic of the baby years, the challenges and real demands of love put me to the test. Remember how I thought I was such a patient person? uhm... not so much. Well, you see? I worked many years in customer service, in a supermarket, in a restaurant, in a hotel, in a bank, you name it, I covered all the possible fields that challenging human interaction could come up with, I was covered! motherhood was not my first challenge!  I told myself. ha! again. There were the first frustrating years of reasoning with a toddler and loosing it over spilled milk. Oh my small heart had some growing to do!

Then daughter two came along. She my little miracle came in a very fragile state when she arrived to the world weighting 3 and a half pounds. Because of complications in the 8th month she stopped growing in my womb and doctors acted quickly saving her life and mine. This was not how I planned it! I hate surgeries! but my daughter's life was and is more important than any of my fears. Her fragility outweighed my physical pain, the surgery was an emergency C-section and God knows what risks they saw, so if I could describe it, it was traumatic. With my first child I had chance to bond and take her home; with this baby I hardly had the chance to see her, only a few seconds after birth and few days later in the NICU. But... she made it in 10 days and we took her home! now we became a family of four.  Having two girls was fun! my oldest was getting older and we played more, I guess the experience of my preemie gave me perspective of how to let go a little and enjoy. Here she gave me her gift: It was humility. 

Then shortly after, we had our first boy! here I must confess my fear for boys haha; I was not ready for mess or potty training a boy, it was almost  an Olympic achievement to get my oldest trained and I was very close to finish training my second one; and now a boy? oh no, my superficial fears again! *face palm* I never knew how superficial I was until this stuff came to the surface. Also the idea of having another surgery didn't help but this time around, pregnancy and delivery were much pleasant than my previous one. He came in such a happy time for me. It was love at first sight, I never thought I could connect with a little boy the way we did, he was charming, and I fell right for him. Here he brought his gift: it was joy.

At this moment another adjustment was need it, I had to stop working and stay home with the kids, because it worked best for us, I felt better staying home and not having to worry being away. It felt good at the beginning, it really did! we started homeschooling and I was letting my creativity flow. But behind the curtain, pride and ego crept slowly into action. My dual battle began: The love for my kids clashed with my independence and ambitions. Here love called again and after much wrestling with myself, I discovered that I was capable to renounce once again to my selfish ambitions and give us a chance.

So far, renouncing is the common factor, it pains me to admit it, it shouldn't be this hard, but the love for these little ones has lift me to a new heights. I have renounced to fears, to professional prospects, to more income, to freedom, to my body; like the verse above says: "I became a social disaster". She failed, you must think;  she settled, others say, she lost her chance. But I can assure you that I have visited bitterly those thoughts in the darkness of my self and raised above them when I saw the glimpse of the full picture. It is not alone that you find yourself, you see? I thought I knew me, but it was in giving and loving when I discovered who I really was. For this and more I have God and my kids to thank. I became a better person when I let go of me, I reached new heights!

Now I am called to open space in my home and in my heart for the two little ones that joined our family. I am not going to pretend, the struggle is conquered; is real, is raw but as my heart calls for renouncing and expanding once more, I see it clear, there is not a cookie cutter or a mold one has to fit or follow; possibilities in love are endless; you only have to find that place inside of you, where nothing is impossible and when you find it, wear the wings of love and fly! I once wanted to be the arrow but now I am the archer that holds 5 in her quiver, God knows where they will land. No! I didn't gave up I only found another way to become successful, I found the force of love that conquers it all.

Hope this lengthy reflection had brought to you a space of pondering about motherhood and love. Thanks for stopping by!

Blessings

Liz