Reaching new heights!

"Love has protected me against worldliness: coteries, ambitions, advancements, interferences, alliances, secessions, roles, powers: love has made me into a social catastrophe to my delight"

Roland Barthes, A lover's discourse

Love... such a short word for all that entitles...

I strongly believe now that I became a mother, that the definition of love is a verb-action rather than a noun or feeling. When you become a mother you stop living for yourself, you realize swiftly how their fragile lives have been entrusted to you and YOU alone, therefore there is not room for the selfish trace of vanity or pride, only love gives you the push to expand your heart, to face your fears and conquer it all.

This motherhood journey of mine has transformed every space in my heart. I never really thought of a family as a goal, but it was giving to me as if my soul craved it insistently. I saw myself as and independent, assured, "successful" *cough* -will elaborate this farther on- woman, traveling abroad and achieving, many recognitions for changing the world one random act of kindness at the time. Ha! boy! was I far from it! ambitious little thing I am, not one but everything I wanted; maybe I needed to be taught a loving lesson...

Here, the good God in His infinite wisdom came as the Father and Teacher that He is, and took care of the narrow vision I had of myself and had fed over all these years. I thought I was a very kind and patient person, I called myself generous and  humble. Then... my "gift" arrived, my children! one by one they came and transformed me for good.

When my first daughter came, I was gifted with so much strength to thrive in life that I became empowered to achieve all those goals I once envisioned, but here is when the first twist came about, I no longer wanted it for me alone I wanted it for us, for her, she became the most valid reason. Then years went by and the weariness of motherhood began to fade the magic of the baby years, the challenges and real demands of love put me to the test. Remember how I thought I was such a patient person? uhm... not so much. Well, you see? I worked many years in customer service, in a supermarket, in a restaurant, in a hotel, in a bank, you name it, I covered all the possible fields that challenging human interaction could come up with, I was covered! motherhood was not my first challenge!  I told myself. ha! again. There were the first frustrating years of reasoning with a toddler and loosing it over spilled milk. Oh my small heart had some growing to do!

Then daughter two came along. She my little miracle came in a very fragile state when she arrived to the world weighting 3 and a half pounds. Because of complications in the 8th month she stopped growing in my womb and doctors acted quickly saving her life and mine. This was not how I planned it! I hate surgeries! but my daughter's life was and is more important than any of my fears. Her fragility outweighed my physical pain, the surgery was an emergency C-section and God knows what risks they saw, so if I could describe it, it was traumatic. With my first child I had chance to bond and take her home; with this baby I hardly had the chance to see her, only a few seconds after birth and few days later in the NICU. But... she made it in 10 days and we took her home! now we became a family of four.  Having two girls was fun! my oldest was getting older and we played more, I guess the experience of my preemie gave me perspective of how to let go a little and enjoy. Here she gave me her gift: It was humility. 

Then shortly after, we had our first boy! here I must confess my fear for boys haha; I was not ready for mess or potty training a boy, it was almost  an Olympic achievement to get my oldest trained and I was very close to finish training my second one; and now a boy? oh no, my superficial fears again! *face palm* I never knew how superficial I was until this stuff came to the surface. Also the idea of having another surgery didn't help but this time around, pregnancy and delivery were much pleasant than my previous one. He came in such a happy time for me. It was love at first sight, I never thought I could connect with a little boy the way we did, he was charming, and I fell right for him. Here he brought his gift: it was joy.

At this moment another adjustment was need it, I had to stop working and stay home with the kids, because it worked best for us, I felt better staying home and not having to worry being away. It felt good at the beginning, it really did! we started homeschooling and I was letting my creativity flow. But behind the curtain, pride and ego crept slowly into action. My dual battle began: The love for my kids clashed with my independence and ambitions. Here love called again and after much wrestling with myself, I discovered that I was capable to renounce once again to my selfish ambitions and give us a chance.

So far, renouncing is the common factor, it pains me to admit it, it shouldn't be this hard, but the love for these little ones has lift me to a new heights. I have renounced to fears, to professional prospects, to more income, to freedom, to my body; like the verse above says: "I became a social disaster". She failed, you must think;  she settled, others say, she lost her chance. But I can assure you that I have visited bitterly those thoughts in the darkness of my self and raised above them when I saw the glimpse of the full picture. It is not alone that you find yourself, you see? I thought I knew me, but it was in giving and loving when I discovered who I really was. For this and more I have God and my kids to thank. I became a better person when I let go of me, I reached new heights!

Now I am called to open space in my home and in my heart for the two little ones that joined our family. I am not going to pretend, the struggle is conquered; is real, is raw but as my heart calls for renouncing and expanding once more, I see it clear, there is not a cookie cutter or a mold one has to fit or follow; possibilities in love are endless; you only have to find that place inside of you, where nothing is impossible and when you find it, wear the wings of love and fly! I once wanted to be the arrow but now I am the archer that holds 5 in her quiver, God knows where they will land. No! I didn't gave up I only found another way to become successful, I found the force of love that conquers it all.

Hope this lengthy reflection had brought to you a space of pondering about motherhood and love. Thanks for stopping by!

Blessings

Liz